Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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