Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I am naked and annoyed.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
