My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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