cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Actions speak louder than pants.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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