i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
