shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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