she woke up with a sticky ear
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
