just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
