I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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