Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
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Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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