I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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