I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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