He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
