this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
