is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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