when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
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He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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