I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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