I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
