I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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