My friends, they love my intelligence
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
