its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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