Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize