I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
whose parrot is this?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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