I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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