1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Alive.
So much puke
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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