yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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