It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
