Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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