I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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