sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
