JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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