Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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