Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think I won the penis lottery.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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