I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
