It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
