4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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