You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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