his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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