god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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