I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Can I color on your dick again?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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