Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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