ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
