and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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