swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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