im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
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on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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