Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
