Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
