the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
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Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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