Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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