I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
