I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
