Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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