Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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