I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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