I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
