So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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