Your face is a jimmy john
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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